Tuesday, August 28, 2012

10 Ways Children Ruin Your Social Life

When I was younger, I had a social life. 

Then I had kids...

For those of you out there who naively think that having children will not affect your social life, STOP READING NOW. 

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Why is it that these little cherubs ruin any social life that you may have had B.C. (Before Children)? 

1.They wake up at the crack of dawn, leaving you too tired to plan or even consider social activities after dark.

2. If you do decide to brave a night out, you have to deal with tired and cranky kids the next day.

3. It's illegal to leave them home alone while you go out.

4. They trash other people's houses and make sure that you do not get a return invite.

5. They leave restaurants and coffee shops looking like they are the latest victims of Cyclone Yasi.

6. They sleep during the middle of the day which ruins any lunchtime plans you may have (apart from watching The Ellen Show).

7. The amount of stuff you have to take when you go out with kids would easily put you over the baggage allowance on most domestic flights. 

8. Any car ride over 20 minutes (30 minutes with a DVD player) is like a trip to the end of the earth for your kids. So that limits your social engagements to within one "Are we there yet?" radius. 

9. When you finally arrive, you will spend all of your time feeding, watering and cleaning the kids, which will pretty much ruin any chance you had of having a conversation with another adult.

10. And if you do manage to get a night off without the kids, you will be famished by 6:00pm; pissed by 7:00pm and fast asleep on the couch by 8:00pm.

Are you kids ruining your social life?

Leanne :)

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

5 Ultimate Insults When You're 5

Remember when you were 5? No?

Well, let me remind you. You thought you were invincible – there was nothing you couldn’t do. 

You had the power to wound others with your very clever words… or so you thought.

Here’s a list of my 5 year old’s favourite insults:

1. I’m not your friend anymore! 
Fortunately, 5 year olds are fickle creatures and they are likely to be your best buddy again in a few minutes.

   2. You’re a baby! 
   These are harsh words when you are the ripe old age of 5.

   3. You scribbled! 
   Another particularly upsetting comment because it implies that you are, in fact, a baby.

   4. You’re not coming to my party! 
   The great thing about this insult is that 5 year olds have no concept of time so it can be used even if your birthday is 12 months away.

   5. Stinky poo bum head! 
   The number one insult for 5 year olds.

What was your ultimate insult when you were a kid? And be nice or I won’t be your friend anymore… :)


Thursday, August 2, 2012

My Husband Says The Dumbest Things

My husband is a very smart man but sometimes he says the dumbest things…

Like today, when he asked me what on earth I do each school morning between 7am (when he leaves for work) and 8:15am (when I take my eldest son to school)…

Well, dear husband - here’s what I do:

7am: Get Mr 5’s uniform and breakfast ready. Get myself breakfast. Have detailed discussion with Mr 5 about whether a giraffe or a zebra would run faster.

7:15am: Get Mr 1’s breakfast and strap him in the high chair while I shower and get myself half dressed.

7:30am: Yell at Mr 5 to hurry up and finish his breakfast. Let Mr 1 out of his highchair but not before he spills his cup of milk all over the floor. Clean up spilt milk and high chair disaster zone while still only half dressed. Wash up whilst yelling at Mr 5 to hurry up and get dressed.

7:45am: Finish getting dressed in something that does not require ironing and slap on some lipstick, all the while arguing with Mr 5 over whether he needs to wear a jacket in the middle of winter. Locate the form due back at school today and put in school bag. Decide on what to have for dinner. Play ‘Where’s mummy’s shoes?’ with Mr 1.

8am: Chase Mr 1 all over the house trying to dress him. Make myself a coffee, while discussing what clouds are made of with Mr 5. Throw together a lunchbox for Mr 1 to take to Playgroup. Give him half the food in the lunchbox because he spots me packing it. Remind Mr 5 to pack his bag for the 23rd time this morning.

8:15am: Yell at Mr 5 to get in the car. Send Mr 5 back inside to get his school bag. Throw Mr 1 in the car. Go back inside for my coffee and then we’re off. Hang on – where’s Mr 1’s shoes? Go back for his shoes. Now we’re really off but it won’t be until we arrive at school that I discover Mr 1 has kindly wiped his dirty hands on the back of my shirt.

So dear husband, that is what on earth I do each morning...

What dumb things has your husband said to you?

Saturday, July 21, 2012

10 Reasons My First Day Sucked

My first day back at work sucked arse! Excuse the expression but I teach high school students and this is a phrase I hear often. 

I know I'm expected to say that I loved being back at work after being on maternity leave for 18 months but it's just not true! Here's why:

1. My little man cried when I dropped him off at Day Care and was crying when I picked him up. 

2. I spilt coffee all over myself in the car park.

3. When I arrived at work, I was locked out of my office with no key.

4. After being let in, I found out that the desk I was assigned to being used by someone else.

5. My boss forgot that I started today and asked me if I was just visiting. Awk-ward! 

6. I spent the day with a group of 12 year old testosterone charged boys.

7. I was told by a charming 13 year old that my surname sounded like a dog! 

8. My name was called out over the loud speaker for the whole school to hear, because I hadn’t arrived at my playground duty on time.

9. I didn’t get to have my first coffee until 11am and my lunch until 3pm.

10. My little man was so tired when we got home from day care that he fell asleep in his high chair.

By the end of the day, I was wondering if I should chuck it all in... until I checked my bank balance. I was reminded of why I went back to work.

Oh that, and wanting to make a difference in the lives of the children I teach, of course!

Leanne :)

Have you ever had a really bad first day? I’d love to hear about it…

Thursday, July 5, 2012

Lessons From Day Care

It was my little man’s first day at Day Care today and I had Mummy guilt big time! It was heart wrenching when I had to leave him. It was even worse when my older son got upset and wanted to go back for his brother.

All day I was worried sick about him – was he wondering where I was? Why I abandoned him? When I was coming back – if I was coming back?! I don’t remember it being this hard with my first son.

I waited as long as I could before ringing to check up on my poor abandoned child. His day care mum told me that he cried when it came time to go to sleep. I wished I was there to sing his favourite song and kiss him goodnight. I resisted the urge to put down the phone and go and pick him up immediately.

While it is damn hard some days, I have really enjoyed being a Stay At Home Mum. Mr 1 is my shopping companion; my coffee date; my little ‘bubba wubba’. 

But there comes a time when bills need to be paid and Mumma needs to help bring home some bacon. I just need to keep reminding myself that day care is good for him. And squash that little mummy guilt voice that is telling me otherwise.

When it was finally time to pick him up from daycare, the little rascal was having so much fun that he didn’t want to leave. And when we got home, I actually played outside with my boys. I didn’t spend this time getting dinner ready or bringing the washing in. I played Ring a ring a rosey on the trampoline instead and we all collapsed in fits of laughter.

So, while it broke my heart to send my son to Day Care, it has made me appreciate just how precious my time with my boys is and for that I am grateful.

Leanne :)

What lessons have you learnt the hard way?

Friday, June 29, 2012

These Boots Were Made For Walking...

The signs were all there – the traffic chaos on the roads; the full carpark and the distinct lack of shopping trolleys. I should have realised earlier and aborted my mission...

But no, I chose to plough on ahead and visit the great Toy Sale of 2012. Having survived with only a slight back strain, I now pass on my wisdom to others wanting to conquer these sales…

    1. Don’t take your children! Despite the name, the toy sales are no place for children. Serious shoppers have no time for children and will show no mercy if you have brought yours along…

    2. Do bring your own trolley. Because when you discover there are no trolleys, you will be forced to cart your purchases around the store like a well-trained (or not, as the case may be) donkey.

    3. Do wear your walking shoes. There is no rhyme or reason for the location of toys in these sales. You will be forced to do lap upon lap of the store (while carrying your purchases on your back) until you find the damn toy in the first place you looked.

    4. Do pack your manners! There is no need to drop the F bomb because someone stops their trolley in front of you (as my friend learnt the hard way!).

    5. Do take a ute to bring home your purchases. Because despite your best intentions to layby, the length of the layby queue will send you running to the checkout, just to get the hell out of there!

Leanne :)

What’s your craziest shopping experience?

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

5 Reasons Mummies Go Back To Work

I will miss my little man terribly when I go back to work but there are a few reasons why I am secretly glad to be returning to the paid workforce...

  1. Being able to go to the toilet whenever I want ON MY OWN!!!
  2. Being able to drink a HOT cup of coffee whenever I feel like it.
  3. Not having to hide inside the pantry to eat some chocolate.
  4. Having people actually listen to what I’m saying, THE FIRST TIME!
  5. Having a LUNCH BREAK and not resorting to eating the remains of my son’s soggy lunch.

Apart from financial, what are some good reasons you have for going back to work?

Leanne :)

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Mummies Behaving Badly

What is it about birthday parties that make even the most mild-mannered mummy turn into a stark raving mad lunatic? 

My friend had her little girl’s first birthday party a few weeks ago. There were party games, party bags and hand made decorations – this was a well planned event. 

But it all ended in tears when she discovered that her husband had not cooked the right number of sausages for all the guests! I pretended to not listen as she ranted at her husband in the kind of high pitched tone usually reserved for a confession of sleeping with your best friend.

I have another friend who made a 3 tier watermelon cake for her son’s first birthday party (that none of the kids ate) and then at midnight the night before the party, she decided to bake hundreds of allergen free cupcakes. You’re probably thinking that’s crazy, right?

Well, you know what they say about people in glass houses… I have done some pretty crazy things for my son’s birthdays as well. For my eldest son’s 1st birthday, I spent a week scrapbooking individual invitations. And then there was the Bob the Builder cake I made for his 2nd birthday that took me 3 days to ice… and let’s not forget the lady beetle cake I made for his 6 month old birthday (yes, you read that right) that was completely inedible. I think you get the idea...

Well, this year I have made a concerted effort to keep my son’s birthday parties low key. A mini-golf party for my 5 year old and afternoon tea in the park for my youngest. The only inkling of mummy madness... a giant 1st birthday balloon that could quite possibly be seen from the moon. 

Well, as they say, you can take mummy out of the madness but can you take the madness out of mummy?

Leanne J

What crazy things have you done for your kid's birthday parties?

Friday, May 25, 2012

7 Habits of Highly Annoying Neighbours

With impeccable timing, our new neighbours moved in around the time I was due to have my 2nd child. They seemed lovely - a young couple with no children. When told that the hubby works night shift, I thought that was perfect - he'll sleep all day long & be at work all night. We won't have to worry about these neighbours keeping us awake with their wild parties! Well, that part is true – however, instead of sleeping all day like most shift workers, my neighbour likes to reinvent new ways of breaking the sound barrier. To be fair, I could quite possibly tolerate these habits if they didn't habitually occur just as my little man is drifting off to sleep.

Here are my neighbour's 7 highly annoying habits:
  1. Using a Leaf blower to clean his patio. Really? Is that necessary? Could you not just use a broom like the rest of us?!
  2. Using a gurney to clean his patio! Not quite sure what they are doing on that patio that requires such vigorous cleaning but wouldn't a hose do?
  3. Dumping his large collection of empty beer bottles into the recycling bin. You know, someone really should invent plastic beer bottles for this very reason – plus it is a dead giveaway to your neighbours that you have had a huge night on the grog.
  4. Starting up his boat in the middle of the day. I don't pretend to have any kind of nautical knowledge but why, why, why?
  5. Unpacking the dishwasher, which could be likened to the sounds of a Greek wedding with all the plate smashing that goes on… Now, I'm all for him helping out around the house but there are ways of doing this which don't require ear plugs.
  6. Driving his 4WD down the side of his house to get to his shed. Here's the thing - his backyard is not that big. He could just bloody walk!
  7. Whipper snipping along our fence line. It's not the whipper snipping that annoys me – it's the chain reaction of barking from every single dog in the entire neighbourhood.

Well, it just so happens Mr Noisy Neighbour that I have a few tricks up my sleeve in the form of a 15 month old who likes to wake at 5am. So, don't be surprised if you hear the sounds of a 1 year old being let loose in the backyard with a collection of the noisiest toys he owns, while you are trying to sleep. Or I could pull out the big guns and bring my cranky baby over and dump him on your doorstep for a few hours and let you deal with him…

Then perhaps you will think twice before waking up my child!

Leanne J

What annoying habits do your neighbours have?

Friday, May 18, 2012

On the Hunt for Mary Poppins…

The time has come for me to return to work. And so begins the extensive search for a day care mum. I have already been searching for around 6 months. Why has it taken so long, you ask? I blame Mary Poppins – she was practically perfect in every way, why can't I find someone like her to look after my child?!

 Here's what I am looking for in my very own Mary Poppins: 
  1. She must not have a swimming pool in her backyard. For obvious reasons, I would prefer that my child not test out those expensive swimming lessons while I am at work.
  2. She must not have a dog larger than my son. A bull mastiff? Seriously? You want me to leave my child with you and your bull mastiff?    

  3. She must not have an older child who will take out my 1 year old if he gets between him and a toy. He already has an older brother at home thank you very much, and I don't have to pay for him!
  4. She must not have grass long enough to lose my child in. Again, he can get this at home for free.
  5. She must not live in a sweat box. Heard of those things that cool you down? They're called fans – get some! Even better, get some air con!
  6. There must be room to swing a cat around and not have it hit its head on both sides of the play area.
  7. She must adore my child and make comments that he is the cutest child she has ever seen in her life (or words to that effect)…
  8. And perhaps get my child to take his medicine with just a spoonful of sugar wouldn't hurt… oh wait, that's Mary Poppins again, isn't it?



    Do you think my standards are too high? What criteria do you have for the carers of your children?



Friday, May 11, 2012

Things I Never Thought I Would Say Before I Had Kids...

  1. 'Hmmm... is that spew or poo on my shirt?' This pearler came when my youngest was a newborn and it wasn't until after I had dropped my son off at kindy that I noticed the stain on my shirt. And yes, in case you're wondering, it was poo!!
  2. 'Yay! It's stopped raining. Now I can do some washing!' Yes, those words did come out of my mouth one morning after a few days of straight rain.
  3. 'Here, play with Mummy's Iphone.' This one was said to my 1 year old. Uh huh…. Keeps him quiet for ages! I have even downloaded some apps just for him. 
  4. 'Tell me you did not just wee on the carpet again!' My darling 14 month old has a habit of waiting until his nappy is off before weeing on the carpet. Well, at least it's better than weeing on the tiles cause then someone inevitably slips over in it and that someone is usually me...
  5. 'Wow! I just slept in till 7am!' With a 4 year old and a 1 year old, 7am counts as a sleep in these days. 
  6. 'Is that an egg ring on my bedroom floor?!' Sure is…. My little man likes to pull everything out of the kitchen drawers and then drag it all around the house. It's all fun and games until Mummy needs her colander to drain the pasta...
  7. 'Has anyone seen my toothbrush?' Every morning we play Hide and Seek with our toothbrushes because my 1 year old likes to carry them around the house and leave them in strange places for us to find. We now have spare toothbrushes, which is all well and good, until he hides them too.
  8. 'Please don't put Mummy's toothbrush in the toilet!' The toilet is such a great play thing when you are 1. It even comes with blue water to play in! My little man likes to combine his obsession with toothbrushes and the toilet and throw them in there. What I really should have said was, 'Here, have Daddy's instead…' J
Leanne :)

What things have you said since having kids that you never thought you would hear yourself say?

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